It was 1993 I was working in a recruitment company in London. I used to be the first to arrive at work and the last to leave. If ever the boss wanted to see me I was convinced I was going to be sacked.
It wasn’t because I was bad at what I did, far from it, I was just extremely anxious. I didn’t realise that the white sweat marks that used to run from my under arm almost to my waist was a physical sign of my anxiety (I thought that I just hadn’t yet found the right deodrant).
Nobody knew of course and I masked it really well. I was the calm, good natured person in the office. But underneath my smiles I was constantly anxious. This was repeated in every work situation. I was so anxious about not doing a good enough job.
I gave up working for someone else. I just found it too stressful. In 2014 I had just moved in with my boyfriend and I had been invited to go away with a lovely group of girl friends. I was so fearful of the prospect of going away with the new people. I sobbed for hours the morning I was supposed to go and ended up not going. I was constantly seeing counselors to get me through different scenarios and had episodes of taking anti depressants.
My depression and anxiety hit me the worst post baby. The suppressed emotions of my fathers’ death plus a painful fertility journey was all too much. Sleep deprivation makes everything much harder to deal with. I got some great help from the Keritane foundation and went back to a low dose of antidepressants which quite honestly I don’t know if I will ever have the courage to live without.
I am now thriving. A happy healthy mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend.
I wanted to share my story of depression as I suffer mildly. I was functioning but not thriving. I have so much empathy for those out there suffering on a much greater level who are stuck down a hole. Who do not have a supportive family or friend network. Who do not believe that they deserve a better life. Who are not able to take the steps to help themselves.
For me following a consistent self-care routine is essential to maintaining my mental health and general well being. I book maintenance massage monthly and if I am feeling particularly low I book weekly massage. Nurturing therapeutic massage soothes my nervous system and floods my body with feel good hormones.
I am really passionate about ridding the world of the depression taboo. I hope that you share your story with me and others. Depression is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
I am a Sydney based massage therapist specialsing in fertility, pregnancy and remedial massage. Please check out my website at www.nurturemama.com.au. Bookings available online or call me on 0401 061 848.